Started new blog in Wordpress.. :)

http://insanereverie.wordpress.com

For a brief moment there.. in a dream that lasted exactly 24hrs.. I thought I had all my answers.. Now that I'm waking up.. waking up to reality.. I see all my questions are still unanswered.. I still have no idea why I am waiting and for what I am waiting.. I only know that I have to.. Even when it feels like I might end up spending my whole life trying to solve a puzzle which has no answer.. I have to wait..

Many have asked me what kind of a person I want. I never had an answer except for the cliches - should be understanding, sense of humour, accepting my parents and friends as his, blablaaa :) But then I always knew that I didn't know the answer. Attractions, stupid infatuations - yeah, some. There was always one reason or the other I could point out for saying, "Hmm.. He's good". But still I knew I never wanted to be with them, that they were not the ones. I didn't know how I'd feel if the one actually came along, how I'd understand he was the one.

Then he came. And I realized there's nothing like falling head over heels in love. There's nothing like seeing that person's face everywhere you look. Just the sudden realization that whatever you have ever been looking for, without you being even aware of it, is right there, in front of you. It's not finding a person who is all good. It's when you know this is your kind of person, with all the negatives. It's when you know this is the person you should be with, the one who'll make you a better person without asking you to change.

Three years and a million dreams down the lane, I've no choice but believe the guy who said, "Love is not about getting what you think you want, but about finding the best in what you have and falling in love with that."

It wasn't that we ever stopped loving each other. In one way or the other we have always been special to each other and been there through thick and thin. It was just that we were no longer the kids who thought "We finish college, get a job, convince our parents and get married". Every aspect we thought about before seemed irrelevant and unimportant in the utmost sincerity and determination of two young minds in love. It was only when we entered life as it really is, that we understood whatever was irrelevant to us actually mattered. We were just trying to sideline those for the fear of not being together. The moment we started accepting the truth, we realized it was not parents or society that was really in our way, it was us, our beliefs, our views and our goals which we conveniently tried to forget. We forgot what we really want, what we really are.

It's never easy to thrust this truth into your mind. It seems like a trauma which is never going to end - when life seems to be a combination of each and every stupid love forwards you get as SMS, when you look for a reason to go back down the memory lane and cry your heart out, when you feel that you'll never be able to sleep again, never be able to laugh again and never be able to live again.

But no, I was wrong. I did start to live again because I forgot to cry focussing on helping him get over our dreams, making sure I was there to help him with his career and ensuring he was on the right track to being happy again. It was later only that I realized the real reason I was happy. All this while, he was doing the same too. :)

Now I know for a fact that there's nothing like cutting one person out of your life and trying to move on. You have really moved on only if you can still talk to him every single day, have him by your side and still not have a sense of loss or broken heart knowing you can never have him. Because only a person who has loved you more than his life can know you fully, pull you up when you're fallen and help you find life again.

Count this as a biiiiiiig thank-you to he who did not leave me alone in life, but stayed by to see that I lived on. I hope I've helped you come back too. :)

2 years after my last blog, I realized I'm victim to the ever-famous "writer's block". Innumerable events have taken place in 2 years. What to write on and how to write pose a huuuge question mark in front of me.

And what more.. After having written the 3 lines above, I seriously doubt if I should write at all. Because it looks too crude, too direct and too 'without feelings'. (Yes.. Writer's block is nothing for one to have feelings on. But still.. :-/ )

Anyways, since I've got this urge to 'write it out', quite unlike the last 2 years, think I'll just go for it and vent out whatever has been building up inside.

The Angel Unknown

I used to be an angel
With a heart of gold
With the power to heal
The wings were unseen
The halo not there
The angel in me
Was unknown to all
In the world of satans
I wanted to build a paradise
Never could I for
I was an angel unknown
Then came my friend
Who gave me my wings
He called me an angel
And saw me fly high
Some told me not to
But I trusted my friend
I wanted to soar high
Forever in my new wings
Little did I know he'd
Take my wings back
And leave me in tears
Just an angel unknown

There was a time when I was scared
Not anymore- Its joy all around
Despite the evils of the world
Its joy all around
Laughing faces, caring hands, and
Moments of fun I'd never want to miss
I look onto the stage and laugh out loud
And then I see things change- its dark
Where are the friends who were laughing with me?
Who are the ones on the stage now?
I see a little girl who moves back in fear, who's she?
I see shadows crowding on her
She calls out for help; but it hurts to see that
The guardian angels are all moving away
Wait! I've seen this!
I sit back in fright and close my eyes tight
This is it.. this is it..
All my life flashes before me
Bleeding inside and wanting to scream
I am the little girl lying on the stage
I cry out loud and tries to escape
The pangs of the nightmare that try to mar me
Its all coming back- the pain, the fear, the hatred
And once again I'm back to the time when I was scared
But no- I don't want to be there
It takes all my strength to open my eyes
To see that I've moved on
To see that there's a wonderful future ahead
To see that I'm back- back to my present!

ah finally!! im bak..
seriously.. i wonder y i bothered 2 create a blog in the 1st place.. coz after the 1st (miserable) blog ive never had the chance 2 even log in to my blog..
ive been soooooooooooooooo busy with my life at SMS dat i never even had the time 2 think of all this.. now now.. my seniors who're readin this will go.. "as if shes the only one.. v hav all been thru the same kinda life, but v were never this busy".. i knwwww..
well.. u see wat the differene b/w them nd me is?? this is the first time im doin real work.. all these years its been the easy way.. u get all the materials in front of u.. u gobble it up.. "reproduce" it on the answer sheets(as teachers name the 'process'), nd score marks.. in my case, the marks were not juz marks.. very gud marks, excellent marks vich won me a university rank.. (a little boastin wont do any harm, wud it??? ;) the fact dat i wus rank 3 out of a meagre 500 students dusnt make much difference, does it? after all.. a rank is a rank)
i knw i knw.. ive juz crossed the "a little boasting" limit.. so.. wer were v??
aha! the easy way.. yea.. so wen i started my life in SMS i wus bewildered.. i was totally at sea.. i had no idea wer i wud get materials 4 my assignments nd presentations.. or rather 2 start with.. i had no idea wat presentations were.. i had no idea how 2 go about with my studies.. i had no idea how 2 attend the classes even.. in short i was clueless about evrythn..
(probably the reason why i was ecstatic after my first presentation..)
anyways.. soon i realized i wasnt the only one.. evry1 was goin through the same mental tortures as i was.. that realization.. of being "partners in misery" brought us close nd eased our tensions.. thats wen v started taking things lightly.. in fact, a bit too lightly.. but still workz work.. alongside all the fun v had der wus a lot 2 do.. my valid xcuse 4 not chkin my mails or loggin into my blogspot or even calling up my frnds 4 that matter..
the presentations nd assignments got over in a while.. nd v were nearing the end of our sem(a very short sem owing 2 the late comencement.. thanks 2 the authorities).. nd by then v had earned the reputation of being "a happy-go-lucky, good 4 nthn batch" :D then came the internal examinations.. nd dat wus wen it dawned on us wat v were in.. DEEPSHIT!! the modules reminded us of deep blue oceans extending beyond the horizon.. wat a beautiful picture!! nd the tension wus bak.. twice as fast as it had vanished one cursed day!!
nd der.. at our doorstep.. guess who?? yep yep.. bloody extenal examinations.. v cud feel the tension build(incorrect use of language?? never mind..) by the minute.. there was sooooooo much 2 finish nd sooooooooo little time.. v tried 2 b strong nd brave like warriors at the warfront. but it was no use.. day by day, v were breakin down.. giving in to the pressure.. nd out came the frustration, helplessness nd tantrums.. v gals wud take turns in crying nd consoling each other.. nd more still.. in lashing out at each other 4 no reason..
as the xams got over one by one i cud feel the difference.. v were starting 2 relax.. now with juz 2 more xams 2 go(postponed ones.. typical of our state) i knw vre all almost bak 2 normal.. all the resolutions 2 b systematic from the next sem.. pah! im sure the day the last xamz over.. vll b bak 2 our laid-bak selves.. only 2 return 2 the peak of tension 4 the s2 university xams..
but hey.. lifez too short.. nd vre tryin 2 live by the rules of "living life 2 the fullest".. xams come nd go.. u clear all the papers if u put in a little effort.. but the memories of campus life.. stay 4ever..
so my new yearz resolution(in advance): ENJOY EVEN MORE!!! :D